How to have horrible sleep
21-04-2014
In the spirit of contrariness, we want to tell you how to have a horrible sleep! Why, because if you disobey the following rules, you will have a lovely sleep and we are sure that if you are struggling to get a good night’s sleep then you could do with a bit of a laugh... though you may be so tired that you do not realise we are being silly!
Horrible Sleep Rule One: Make sure that you drink lots of coffee just before bed. Caffeine is well known as a great sleep ruiner, so if you really want to have a rotten sleep you need to make yourself a really strong coffee just before bed. In fact, make sure you have a number of coffees from about 3 pm onward. Don’t forget that you can find caffeine in loads of things, from energy drinks to chocolate, so make sure you consume all of these too.
Horrible Sleep Rule Two: Have lots of flashing lights and loud noises in your room. If you want to make sure that you have a positively awful night’s sleep, you need to have lots of light and sound. The more the merrier. Get a big LED clock that is right by your bed and tells you what the time is, have a noisy old clock, anything that disturbs and irritates is perfect.
Horrible Sleep Rule Three: Do something that really gets your heart rate up just before bed. All those sleep nerds sit and mediate, have a bath or read their books before bed. No wonder they don’t have horrible sleeps. To get a really bad night’s sleep you need to do something extreme, like skydive or play violent video games. That will get the heart pumping and will ensure you struggle to sleep at all.
Horrible Sleep Rule Four: Have a number of tasty alcoholic beverages just before bed. Yip, you heard us right. One of the best ways to have a shocker sleep is to crack a few cans before bed. You might say that this will help you get to sleep, but never fear, horrible sleepers, the alcohol will totally ruin your sleep later on in the night, making you wake after about four hours and making it really hard to get back to sleep. Yay
Horrible Sleep Rule Five: Never ever go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each day. Your body loves routine and your body clock (that terrible thing that helps you sleep) loves a schedule, so if you want to have a truly abysmal sleep then you should vary your bed time and wake time as much as possible. We find it is best to never go to bed or get up at the same time.
Horrible Sleep Rule Six: Go out and get as much junk food as possible and eat it in bed. Yes, you have our permission. Get all the chips, chocolate and sweets you can as eating these at night (and especially when you are in bed) is a great way of not sleeping well at all.
Good night, everyone, and have a horrible sleep!
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